hurt me some more
In a toxic relationship, you keep fighting for what you think you want because you are afraid to let go. You are stuck and need to hold on because you don’t trust there is a better situation for you. You may enter the relationship with some confidence, but that self-assurance breaks down over time from hearing, and ultimately believing, that you are inferior. Worthlessness and insecurities replace whatever self-respect and self-worth you had when you entered the relationship.
In my mid-twenties, I had experienced two long-term relationships that ended. My mission was to secure another to take the place of the last one that left me feeling so alone. I had many good friends, but still felt alone without a guy. I wanted to be in a reciprocal and committed relationship, sharing love, intimacy, companionship, and dreams. I wanted to get married and have children.
I met a guy through a mutual friend. There was chemistry and passion which was blinding. He had a graduate degree and an established and thriving job, and was smart and charming. Although I had worked my way up to a management position in the corporate world making good money at that time, I had experienced financial hardships growing up so I wanted to marry someone who was going to have a successful career. I had high hopes, but it didn’t take long for the disparaging comments to emerge.
This guy was bred in a family of intellect, and education was paramount. I didn’t have a college degree at that time, which provided ammunition for some of the attacks. He was chronically condescending and criticized my intelligence. On one occasion, he told me I was stupid when I was unable to correctly answer his barrage of questions about American history. To add insult to injury, I was stupid because I wasn’t on top of world current events. After failing my verbal pop quiz, this guy “made me” buy a citizenship booklet to study and tested me on what I was able to absorb. I felt humiliated. He also “made me” go back to college so I started a couple of evening classes. In my accounting class, I was one of two people who earned an A+ on my final exam. When I came through the door to share my accomplishment, he didn’t believe me and insisted on seeing the test, which I provided, of course. It felt like he was a critical, skeptical, and disapproving father. I could go on and on with the stories.
This form of emotional abuse can be subtle or overt; it slowly deteriorates one’s soul. There were more tears than laughter. I knew I was hurting and was being mistreated, but I continued working fervently to win him over. Only then would my self-worth be restored. Only then would I get the love, security, and commitment I craved. My story pales in comparison to others who endure much more extreme circumstances.
This relationship was in its third year. Like the stupid person he called me, I actually pushed for us to get married. This was consistently resisted and tabled for another time. He began working out with weights, going out alone to get frozen yogurt to bring back to me (what a nice guy), and taking trips without me. On Valentine’s Day weekend, he went out of state for a “business trip” and I received this beautiful bouquet of red roses with a note telling me he loved me. A few days after his return, I came across a note in his jacket that was written by a girl professing her love for him and how much she enjoyed their Valentine’s Day weekend together. Go ahead, hurt me some more.
The relationship was over. Some people weather affairs and their relationships survive. I understand them more now as a psychologist working with many couples in this position. For me at that point in time though, he did me a favor by having an affair. I needed that external force to get out. I have learned over time the importance of finding value in pain. He was the catalyst for me to return to college. He opened my eyes to the importance of knowing world events. He taught me that our history should not be forgotten. ( I don’t remember much from that little citizenship booklet…oh well.) He taught me that we weren’t right for each other. He led me to finding a better version of me. I was victorious in a way I didn’t expect.
So, that “stupid” young twenty-something was able to brush myself off, find myself, get married, have two amazing kids, and earn a Ph.D in clinical psychology. Pay attention to the red flags, whether it is a relationship or a job, because it might not be healthy to stay. Pay attention to see if you are slipping into the abyss. There is always another option. He wasn’t the only guy out there. We weren’t a good fit. Find more laughter than tears.