love and intimacy

Some couples have it, and some do not. Some couples started with it, but have lost it with the passage of time. People need love and touch. Even with adequate nutrition, studies show that babies who are not held and nurtured can experience failure to thrive. Psychologist Abraham Maslow developed a five-tier hierarchy of needs that places the need for love and belonging (third rung) directly above physiological needs (first rung) and safety needs (second rung). One of the five love languages in Gary Chapman’s book is touch. 

There are exceptions, however, because some people are uncomfortable being touched. This can result from their hardwiring, from their upbringing, or from abject circumstances. Another reason for the withdrawal from touch stems from resentments and wounds experienced in a broken relationship. Looking at Maslow’s hierarchy, if physiological or safety needs aren’t being met one partner’s need for love and intimacy can increase. But for the other partner, they cannot provide love and intimacy until the physiological and safety needs are met.

In my previous blog on resentments and wounds, I outlined some common themes that lead couples down a toxic path that can be the demise of their relationship unless steps are taken to change the course. When resentments and wounds have reached an extreme level, for most couples intimacy and sex are intermittent or cease to exist. 

How can couples rebuild and heal so they can fall in love again and regain intimacy, sex, and happiness in their relationship? The resentments and wounds must be identified so both partners know what needs to be worked on. Resentments can be shed and wounds can heal when partners make the necessary changes to their outlook and behavior. It is possible for respect and trust to be resurrected.

Some resentments can be shed by understanding certain biological differences between men and women. Particularly in the areas of communication and sex. Men and women think differently because our brains are structured differently. The primary difference maker is the power of sex hormones. They determine gender and the structure of the brain. The left brain primarily controls verbal abilities and the processing of language, whereas the right side primarily controls visual-spatial abilities and emotions. The left and right sides of women’s brains communicate more than men’s, which results in significant differences in interpersonal interactions. In general, women are more emotional and verbal and want to share their feelings with their partner, while men are more solution focused and less equipped to verbalize their emotions.

The difference in hormones also influence intimacy and sexual behavior. Men inherently have much more testosterone which positions them to be more sexually driven for the sake of sex. While women can appreciate the sex for the sake of sex, they tend to primarily enjoy the companionship of sex. This is one main reason women need to have an emotional connection with their partner in order to want to have sex, which men find perplexing and frustrating. 

When men and women understand the inherent differences between the two genders it is easier to see the other’s point of view, to employ healthier ways of communicating, to accept responsibility for their part, to identify the positives versus focusing only on the negatives, and to alter their mindset and behavior. Unless the relationship has endured too much damage, there is room for healing and increasing marital happiness.