take off the gloves

Relationships can be the key to happiness or the key to misery. Some relationships begin as a fairy tale with butterflies and euphoria, some are slow to start but bloom with time, and some begin on unsteady footing and continue on a rocky path.

Regardless of the genesis, most couples develop resentments and wounds as time moves on. If not addressed, these are likely to be reinforced which places the couple in an adversarial relationship. I have worked with many couples who began as lovers and friends but have devolved into enemies.

There are a variety of reasons for this decline. Opposites tend to attract. We initially are drawn to qualities in our partner that depart from our own. It works if the couple allows the differences to work for them, not against. The partner who is viewed as a take charge person in the beginning often becomes viewed as controlling and oppressive with the passage of time. The partner who is viewed as laid back and easy going in the beginning often becomes viewed as lazy, doesn’t follow through, and doesn’t contribute enough at home.

You have heard that sometimes we marry our mother or our father, which is a real thing but is normally out of our conscious thought. In that case, we choose partners similar to a parent with whom we have a broken relationship in hopes of changing or fixing it.

Many couples I have worked with over the years have one or both partners who have had an affair to fill a void (e.g., intimacy, sex, attention, love, appreciation), as payback, as a “midlife crisis”, as needing to feel alive and have more excitement, or because there is an addiction. Some couples survive this and others do not. Sometimes it is a one-time occurrence and other times it is a pattern.

As resentments and wounds build, the foundation begins to crumble. Respect is replaced with bitterness, trust is replaced with fear and insecurities, and emotional connection and intimacy are replaced with distance. Partners become adversaries. Each wants to be right, get the last word, blame the other, and fight to have some connection and to release negative emotions.

How can partners take off the gloves and get out of the boxing ring? The resentments and wounds must be identified so both partners know what needs to be worked on. Resentments can be shed and wounds can heal when partners make the necessary changes to their outlook and behavior. It is possible for respect and trust to be resurrected. At that point, you can reach for an embrace instead of delivering the next blow.

Tips for working through this process will be offered in my next blog/post on Love and Intimacy.

photo courtesy of Bogdan Yukhymchuk